Category: Uncategorized

Good Riddance

I pumped my last pump a few nights ago. I thought I would be elated with gleeful thoughts of going office space on my pump (only not really, I want to donate it) but I feel slightly melancholy about the end of the current era. This pump, which was new before Harper, says I pumped for 315 hours. Three hundred fifteen hours of my life out of the last 15 months. That’s 13 entire days. And that doesn’t include all of the time spent breastfeeding. I breastfed and/or pumped for 4 entire years of my recent life. I pumped in at least 5 countries and on at least 25+ business trips over the last 6 years.

I have a few months of frozen milk left for Harper and then we will be done with bottles as well. I cannot express how excited I am to be forever done with bottles.

three. hundred. fifteen. hours.

Things I am excited for: Getting rid of all nursing tops. Freeing up the spot on our counter currently occupied by precariously balanced bottle and pump parts. If you even glance at it the wrong way pieces fall on the floor and need to be rewashed. Not spending an hour a day (or more before I started weaning) pumping. No more obnoxious pumping bras that get inextricably tangled up in the wash. No more struggling with a hand pump on a plane, in airport bathrooms, in the car, in the basement bathroom at the Boston Ballet on Christmas date nights. Being able to have wine without worrying about timing. Traveling for work without worrying about getting to the airport early to explain the bag of body fluid that I’m carrying or fight for why my pump doesn’t count towards carry on allotment. Not worrying if hotels have fridges.

Things I will miss: nothing. Literally nothing. To be completely honest breastfeeding likely contributed strongly to my postpartum anxiety the first time around and then the subsequent two times. Society has way overinflated the benefits of breastfeeding and the “breast is best” campaign has done more harm than good. In a full term infant breastfeeding very mildly reduces GI infections. Very mildly. That’s it.

And no, breastmilk is not free unless you consider a women’s time to be worth nothing. When I went back to work I was pumping 3 times a day for 20 minutes each, not including set up and clean up time. Two sessions during work and one at night to make enough to keep up with how much my baby ate during the day. Not including all of the pump part cleaning in the evening time and setup in the morning (which thankfully Michael did that majority of). Not including the cost of food for the several hundred extra calories you need to eat a day to maintain supply. I was (am) always. Hungry. Also many people can get a pump free from insurance with one set of parts, but most people need additional sets of parts (plus replacements every few months), pumping bras, pump bags, breast milk storage, nipple cream, lactation consultant appointment co-pays. Co-pays for office visits for clogged ducts and milk blisters. Nursing pillows. I’m not going to do the math right now but I would venture to say if you factor in time and supplies, breastfeeding is not cheaper than formula feeding.

I’m not going to say I’m proud for breastfeeding. It is a bodily function. I truly believe that fed is best. However, for tonight, I will be mildly reminiscent of this current end of an era. And tomorrow I will celebrate never pumping again and the fact that for the first time in over 6 years, nobody is physically dependent on my body except for me💗

I wrote a late night rant, and people are sharing it everywhere:

Society to working moms:

Social media life: what the world sees of us all. Typically VERY different from every day life.

-Go back to work 6-8 weeks after having the baby. The baby that you spent 9-10 months growing inside of your body. Go back to work before you have finished healing or have had time to bond with your baby. Keep your mind on work, and not your tiny helpless baby that is being watched and cared for by someone other than you. Make sure to break the glass ceiling and excel at your job- you can do anything a man can do! It is your job to show society this! Show the world that women can do it all. Rise to the top of your career. 


-Also breastfeed for at least a year. So take 2-3 pumping breaks a day at work, but don’t let it throw you off your game or let you lose your focus. 

Maintain a clean, Pinterest worthy house. Take the Christmas lights down. Recycle. Be Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the birthday planner, the poop doula (seriously when will this end), the finder of lost things, the moderator of fights. Be fun. Be firm. Read books. Have dance parties.


-Also, lose that baby weight and get back in shape, as quickly and as gracefully as possible. Make sure to get 8 hours of sleep a night so you can work out, work, and care for your family. But also get up at 5 am to workout, unless you want to do it after your kids go to bed when you also need to clean the house and get life ready for the next day and you know, sleep.


-Maintain a clean, pinterest worthy house. Take the Christmas lights down. Recycle. Be Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, the birthday planner, the poop doula (seriously when will this end), the finder of lost things, the moderator of fights. Be fun. Be firm. Read books. Have dance parties.


-Maintain the schedule for the entire family. Birthday parties coming up? Make sure to have presents! Ensure the kids are learning to swim, play an instrument, read, ride a bike, be a good human being, eat vegetables, wear sunscreen, drink enough water, say please and thank you. Don’t forget they need to dress as their favorite book character on Monday, and wear something yellow on Thursday. Oh it’s totally your call but most parents come in on their birthday and read to the entire class. In case nobody told you, if you have more than one kid you will need to buy new shoes approximately every other day. See also: winter coats, shorts, pants that aren’t 4 inches too short. There will never be matching socks or gloves for any member of the family, ever again. 


-Remember the dog you got before you had kids? Shes getting old now and needs expensive surgery. She also need walking, a new bed, and she smells pretty bad. 
-Hey! Kids need lots of doctor appointments. Monthly as babies. Every time they are sick. Specialist appointments, especially if any of them have extra needs. At least two school conferences a year. IEP meetings, if applicable. Parents night. Back to school night. Get to know your school night (what IS this). Most parents are volunteering at least once during the year, would you like to come make a craft with the kids? It will only be an hour or two of your time.


-Sorry, you are now out of vacation time because you used it all for time taking your kids to appointments or when your childcare is unavailable. You should go on vacations though. It’s good to relax and unwind from work. Makes you a better employee. 
-Don’t forget the kids need healthy meals (and so do you! you are trying to lose that last 20 lbs before swim season right). That requires meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal prep on the weekend. But also hang out with your kids on the weekend since during the week you only get to hang out with them when they are exhausted and angry that you made the wrong kind of spaghetti for dinner.


-Date your spouse! It’s important to keep your relationship alive and fresh. Try to go out 1-2 times a month. Good, kid free time. Hire a babysitter, they charge 22+ dollars an hour in your area so make sure to take out an extra mortgage and/or work another job to be able to afford this. 


-Oh hey you should have a hobby too. It’s important to have “you time”. Also be well read, keep up with the latest pop culture and tv shows, and keep an eye on politics and be able to discuss at least one of the above on the small chance you are out in public and encounter another adult necessitating small talk. 


-Make sure to have friends. Social time is SO important. Surely there is an hour or two left in the week after all of the working, appointments, exercising, cooking, scheduling, cleaning, imparting lifelong morals and learning on the kids, the usual. Maybe go out after the kids are down for a glass of wine and a bite to eat. Make it a healthy bite though. And you may regret that wine at your 530 am spin class. 
-Self care though. SO important. See also: getting in shape. See the general doctor, the dentist (TWICE), the lady doctor. Prob need to get your eyes checked. Full body skin checks 2+ times a year (just me? okay well). Mental health too. Postpartum anxiety? But you look fine and your kids are so cute. Everyone should have a therapist. Good luck finding one that takes your insurance and has hours outside of your normal working time (out of vacation time, remember?). That leaves evening time when you want to hang out with your kids. But it’s important, so make time for it. 


-Don’t wear yoga pants and a mom bun or society is going to mock you in numerous witty blog posts. Never mind that nothing fits. Going to have to get up even earlier so you have time to style your hair, wing your eye liner and search for a pair of pants that fits your new post baby (or multiple baby) shape. 
-Get off your phone, turn off the TV, and enjoy your life

. Enjoy your kids. THESE ARE THE GOOD TIMES make sure to love every minute of life because before you know it all of this will be in the past.

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to lean OUT. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.